The cereal aisle was designed for children.

Children don’t pay car insurance. You do.

Adulthood has somehow become a competitive sport. Apparently everyone’s one wellness sachet away from an Olympic podium.

Meanwhile, you’re juggling mental exhaustion, a mortgage and a stiff neck. You’re just trying to survive the work week without telling Sue to get fucked.

Cold Milk Theory has been engineered to match the exact frequency of your least favourite co-workers’ chewing. Late at night, that same violent crunch becomes a rhythmic ASMR that grinds your negative thoughts into a fine, silent dust.

Our grains are manufactured under fluorescent lighting to ensure they never see the sun. Just like your work persona.

Unfortunately, your labour is most likely meaningless. It’s also mandatory.

Anyway, enough about our thoughts. Have a great week!

Cynically,

Management